- My reckless life changes with the weather. - 9.27.2006 I was just given my license. I have been sent to pick Brittney up from a friends house. I have the radio blasting and a huge smile on my face. I have never been alone behind the wheel. I feel freedom, and I love it. I'm with family, my head is on my Dad's knee and I'm soaking his pants in tears. I know he's going to die and it makes me want to join him. There is a hole in my chest and an empty feeling in my stomach. I hug him and I feel safe there. He tells me he loves me and I know he means it. I have never felt so comfortable with anyone and I never want the feeling to go away. I'm happy. I'm sitting in the hall of my high school during class. I don't notice that the halls are empty, my head is in my hands and I'm sobbing. I realize someone is watching me and I get up and walk away. I don't know who it was and I don't care. I feel trapped. My first big concert. My best friend and I won tickets for GA. I can feel, see and hear the music. I feel more alive then ever and I'm happy to be that way. I walk into the house and his bed is empty. I know he's gone. I fight through the people in my house and run outside. I don't notice that I'm screaming until they start to hush me. My Mom drives away and I'm left in a city I don't know by myself. I have never had such conflicted emotions. I'm so happy to be on my own but how will I live without my Mom, and will she be okay without me? The test says positive. I feel numb. I feel anger. I feel hate. I don't want this, this can't be happening. Who will love me now? I feel her jump in my stomach. She's had hiccups all night. I'm not mad it woke me, I smile and spread my hands over my stomach and tell my baby girl that I love her. He asks me if I want to go to a movie and I look at him in shock. I'm not sure if he's kidding. Why would he be interested in me? Is he really? I'm talking an old friend from college about old friends. I can't believe what a different person I was only two years ago. Where was I going with my life? Where am I going now?

posted by all alli. @ 5:29:00 PM [[ 4 comments ]]

- Surprise Visit - 9.22.2006 Meet Ben. Ben was my boss when I worked at the video store. If you don't know, I worked at the Video store the entire time I was pregnant. During the nine months of my pregnancy I was wreck, as I suppose most women are even without the whole place for adoption factor. One day I was happy and bouncing off the walls, the next day I was crabby and would fly off the handle any time someone looked at my wrong and of course, I was sarcastic. I assure you the sarcasm had nothing to do with the pregnancy, that's just Alli. Ben was very good about dealing with pregnant Alli. He let me have any time I needed off for doctors apointments. He would ask how I was feeling, give me longer breaks, and most importantly, he was just a good friend. (If he ever read this, he would die.) While Ben was always nice and supportive he never made any sort of moves making me think he was interested in me. One night he asked me if I wanted to go see a movie and we ended up dating for 6 months. He moved to Oklahoma for work in January (and left me Eddie, my adorable dog). We have kept in touch through phone calls and letters but I miss him like crazy. Yesterday he called me while I was at work and came to see me at work!! I didn't even know he was in Utah. I was so freakin happy. Yeah, that's my whole story. I have been in a better mood the last 24 hours than I have been in over a month. :D

posted by all alli. @ 2:49:00 PM [[ 0 comments ]]

- Husband. - 9.15.2006 Meet Husband. My Husband is white. My Husband is in perfect physical condition, but my Husband does have a spare tire. My Husband is sexy. My Husband is expensive. I worked hard to get my Husband. Yes, I really did name my car Husband. I bought this last night and I am super excited about it. It's a 2002 Mazda Protege5 and it's in really good shape. The interior is hardly worn at all, there aren't any dings on the exterior, it has an exhaust system (yeah, I'm one of those annoying kids with the loud cars...sorry Mom!), six disk changer for the CD player, the whole dash glows red, chrome wheels...this car is my new baby, or Husband. Yay!

posted by all alli. @ 3:04:00 PM [[ 3 comments ]]

- Three Year Olds. - 9.11.2006 My sunbeam lesson on Sunday went something like this: Me: "Who are your friends?" Kids: Mumble something I can't understand. Me: "Are you friends with each other?" Kids: "No!" Me: "Do you share with your friends?" Kids: "No! I don't share!" Me: "Why not?" Kids: More mumbling. It was an interesting lesson. I'm not sure any of them got a thing out of it. I love working with them but sometimes when I'm running down the hall after one while yelling at another to quit eating the crayons, I wonder what I'm doing. If you will look over to the left hand side of my blog under "Goals" you will notice it says something about getting out of Utah as much as possible. I set this goal for this past summer. I didn't leave Utah once. Seriously. Not because I didn't have the time or the money, but because I had nowhere to go and my friends would rather sit on their butts and watch the O.C. in their parents houses than explore some other part of the country. Stupid. So, about the massage therapy thing. I still want to go into it but guess what? I can't! Why? Because of my carpol tunnel. I can't even draw or write, how would I manage hour long massages? I need to figure out what I'm going to do with my life. My Mom is trying to think of somewhere I could go for a week or two. So far, neither of us has come up with anything. I'm tempted to go to Seattle, yes...alone. It would be interesting if anything. Um...that's life.

posted by all alli. @ 4:26:00 PM [[ 2 comments ]]

- Random Alli. - 9.08.2006 I have some of the most random, and sometimes crazy ideas. One day I will decided that I am quitting my job and moving out of state. I'll even go so far as to look for apartments in whatever state I choose that day and I have sent out a few resumes to out of state employers. The next day I will decide to go back to school and I will be online looking at the pros and cons of different colleges and talking to my old high school counsler about getting my transcript. But this one...I swear this one is different. Yesterday I'm sitting on my butt at work, doing nothing when I think "I wonder how long it takes to get through massage therapy school". Two seconds later I'm online looking at different schools in utah. Three minutes later I'm on the phone with UCMT (Utah College of Massage Therapy) setting up an appointment with an addmissions officer. Last night I was on the phone with Dawn L., who went to school there, asking her about the school, the kind of places you can work, the money you can make...I'm sold. If everything goes as planned (I have learned in life that it is very rare for anything to go as planned, at least for me) I will be starting school in October and I will have a licence in October of 2007. It's going to be crazy working full time and going to school and trying to keep with my already crumbling social life, but I am going to do my best. It's only a year, right? And a random picture of me:

posted by all alli. @ 3:19:00 PM [[ 0 comments ]]

- WPSB. - 9.07.2006 This week a relationship with one of my best friends fell apart. I'm so mad at him it's blinding me, but that will fade eventually. Right now I feel such an extreme hatred towards him, but I wont hate him forever. However, I don't expect the hurt to fade any time soon. My heart is just hurting, I feel like there is a hole in my life and not just anyone will be able to fill it. The part that hurts the worst is the fact that he doesn't care. He doesn't care that he lost me, and he doesn't care that I am hurting. I have decided to sell my car. I have only been driving it for three years, but I am sick of all the maintanance owning an older car requires. I can't go car shopping alone, and my Mom is always running around doing something so it could be awhile before I find something new. I'm hoping for a Mazda Protege5. Not a Protege, a Protege5. I'm not going any older than a 2001. Monday through Friday I work from 8:30 to 5:30. Here is what work means for me: Coming in and sitting and my brand new, huge and extremley expensive desk. Turning on my brand new computer that no one else has ever touched. Logging onto myspace. Checking my e-mail, IMing friends. On an average of about every 10 minutes, I answer the phone. I either take a message or transfer the line to the person they are calling for. Sometimes someone will ask me to make a copy. Every couple of days I check the mail. Most of my day is spent surfing the web. I get bored. I also get paid extremley well and have been told to expect a raise in December. Okay, I shouldn't complain. When I get home I eat with my Mom, and go to bed. It's rare that I see friends or watch movies or go shopping. I usually just want to go to sleep. This drives my Mom crazy. Being tired 24/7 drives me crazy. I did buy a gym pass the other day and I hope to talk myself into actually showing up at the gym soon. My weight is constantly on my mind and I'm sick of it. That's it.

posted by all alli. @ 3:19:00 PM [[ 0 comments ]]

- This week. - 9.01.2006 Today is Nate's funeral. I still hasn't hit me that's he's dead. So many of my friends are dealing with death for the first time. Death isn't a new thing in my life, in fact, I feel like it's become all too normal. I'll miss Nate, just like everyone else but my most over-powering feeling is anger. Other people are trying to blame each other for what he did but I see it as all his fault. He was being so stupid, irresponisble, selfish. I don't think he had any idea how many people his idiotic "fun" would affect. I'm sick of feeling sadness, grief, anger, lonliness. When will I ever be able to move on from all the loss in my life? I know...church, counseling, friends, support, prayer...I know. I'm way beyond frustrated.

posted by all alli. @ 4:07:00 PM [[ 1 comments ]]