I was just given my license. I have been sent to pick Brittney up from a friends house. I have the radio blasting and a huge smile on my face. I have never been alone behind the wheel. I feel freedom, and I love it.
I'm with family, my head is on my Dad's knee and I'm soaking his pants in tears. I know he's going to die and it makes me want to join him. There is a hole in my chest and an empty feeling in my stomach.
I hug him and I feel safe there. He tells me he loves me and I know he means it. I have never felt so comfortable with anyone and I never want the feeling to go away. I'm happy.
I'm sitting in the hall of my high school during class. I don't notice that the halls are empty, my head is in my hands and I'm sobbing. I realize someone is watching me and I get up and walk away. I don't know who it was and I don't care. I feel trapped.
My first big concert. My best friend and I won tickets for GA. I can feel, see and hear the music. I feel more alive then ever and I'm happy to be that way.
I walk into the house and his bed is empty. I know he's gone. I fight through the people in my house and run outside. I don't notice that I'm screaming until they start to hush me.
My Mom drives away and I'm left in a city I don't know by myself. I have never had such conflicted emotions. I'm so happy to be on my own but how will I live without my Mom, and will she be okay without me?
The test says positive. I feel numb. I feel anger. I feel hate. I don't want this, this can't be happening. Who will love me now?
I feel her jump in my stomach. She's had hiccups all night. I'm not mad it woke me, I smile and spread my hands over my stomach and tell my baby girl that I love her.
He asks me if I want to go to a movie and I look at him in shock. I'm not sure if he's kidding. Why would he be interested in me? Is he really?
I'm talking an old friend from college about old friends. I can't believe what a different person I was only two years ago. Where was I going with my life?
Where am I going now?
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4 Comments:
nice alli. you're a great girl. and do you think candice was really up at 4AM writing that comment??
Alli, this is beautiful. You are a talented writer and this is powerful and moving.
What was Candice doing at 4AM?
This is my most favorite post of yours, Alli. You write so well... It's moving and helps me to understand all that you have gone through. You're an awesome girl.
I think everyone elses comments sum up what I would say. Very touching.
On another note, again we are sorry about ditching your sis in Idaho. We will try harder to be better neighbors. Promise.
-Audri
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